365.

I can’t believe I am already writing this. My heart races just thinking about it. One year ago today life broke. Over the last year we have seen how God orchestrated people and events leading up to July 29th, so I guess July 29th is not when it all started, but when our eyes were opened. It’s not a blur. It’s very clear and crisp to me. I remember the moments and the seconds. I see your faces. I will never forget you. You showed up. You answered the phone late that Sunday night. You came to the emergency room. You came the next day and in the next weeks. You wrote letters and prepared fruit baskets. You cleaned my mom’s house and you walked our dog. You sat and held us while we tried to comprehend what was happening with the man we so deeply love. You are still sitting with us. You are still calling and telling us your Ferilen stories. You have taken our hearts and so gently covered them with prayer. We have needed you more than we will say. Thank you for consistently, patiently loving us.

This day one year ago started a 2-week journey of hope, confusion, beauty and pain. Reflecting back on the caringbridges I wrote I was reminded of the weight of each day. They each held so much hope. Every day there was something we anticipated happening- a new test, a new medication, a new doctor. Our goal was clear- bringing daddy back. Please. That was our heart’s song. Our heart and minds stirred with the truths we know about God and His promises. His presence was evident, but “Why is this happening??” swirled in all of us. On this side of Heaven, I will never know. Most days, I am at peace with that. I ache to change it, but I have faith that there is more. God is too good and too faithful for this to be all there is. In those two weeks I discovered everything I knew about God to be true and He has been so much more. I believed that He was loving and kind and gentle, powerful, all knowing, and gracious, but He was {and is} infinitely more. It is tangible. I feel it and I have seen it. He is so good.

As we gathered around my dad and wondered aloud where he was- where was his consciousness? was he sleeping? did he hear us? did he know what was happening? was he transitioning between life and Heaven? Heidi spoke a beautiful, life-giving certainty, “He has seen Jesus’ face.” A cold and refreshing reality. This was happening and the man’s hand I was holding had seen Jesus face to face. The next two weeks provided the most tender, tangible grace I can imagine as I had the opportunity to love, care for and hold the man who first captivated my heart.

Wrap My Arms Around My Daddy's Neck

“I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck

And tell him that I've missed him.

And tell him all about the [wo]man that I became

And hope that it pleased him

There's so much I want to say

There's so much I want you to know”

These lyrics by MercyMe have captured and broken my heart over the last several months. They so beautifully describe the longing I have for my dad to see life over the 10 months. I would write everything I want him to see and everything I want him to know, but it would be long and painful. I want to tell him what this year has looked like and how it has been filled with hard change. I want him to know we bought a house and it’s right around the corner from his. I want to tell him that I have a new job- that I love and that he would love for me. I want him to know that we still go out to dinner, the four of us, 5-6 times a week and laugh uncontrollably. I want him to hear the song Claire and I made up and to watch Robby fix our house. I want him to see that my mom got a Brazilian blowout and it looks amazing. I don’t need him to know how hard it’s been.

I know that even when I have the chance to wrap my arms around his neck and tell him that I’ve missed him and tell him all about the woman I became- that won’t be what I do. That’s not my deepest desire. My heart’s longing is to thank him. My greatest relief and peace is that he knows now and I know he knew during his life. I know that he knew my love and gratitude. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t tell him or probably more than 2 hours ever that I was mad at him. Even still, I would spend my moments thanking him. Nearly every quiet second I had with my dad in the hospital was spent whispering words of gratitude into his ear. That is the message I wanted his sleeping heart to hear. That he did such a good job and I am so grateful.

I sound like a broken a record and I promise someday I will write something different, but not today. Today, it is Father’s Day. I am not afraid of today. I ‘m not dreading the first time I don’t get to celebrate my dad like that. For many people today will be filled with golfing and barbeques and sports and I love that. I love that collectively we acknowledge the undeniably enormous impact and value a dad has. I love that we restructure one day a year for dads. Because real dads, the really great dads, have a hard job. They have to be gentle protectors, guiders, leaders, dessert sharers, teachers, spider killers, car fixers, forehead kissers, class cake makers and car rally drivers. They have to be strong providers and humble trailblazers. They certainly deserve to be celebrated.

While it rips the air out of my lungs to realize what this Father’s Day looks for me, I am renewed, comforted and excited for the day I can celebrate with him again. Until then, I celebrate the dad he was. I thank God for the years I had. He did such a good job and I am so grateful. 

A Celebration Run

I will probably write a regular blog post tomorrow, but wanted to post this first.

This is what my beautiful sister, Claire, put on facebook. Not everyone has facebook so I copied it here.    Of course, I do not want anyone to feel any pressure to do it, but I wanted to make sure I posted it. 

• Let's Run for Ferilen! Whether you want to run in honor of the impact he made in your life, the fact he had an amazing mustache or your goal is to look as fit as he did in a wet suit, now is your chance! Saddle up and let’s get running!! 
• http://www.brea8k.com/
  

  The Brea 8K is something my dad and I were a part of the past 2 years and loved it. It would be memorable and special to me to have a team running/walking to honor my dad's legacy. I have created a team, “Ferilen’s Fan’s: A Celebration Run”.
  
  The Event is February 24, 2013 at 8am, starting at the Brea Mall. We can meet before the race (7:15) for Robby’s pep talk and after the run, at the Finish Line, for a Celebration Cheesecake Factory lunch. No pressure to stay together! Jason might be breaking the tape after 30 minutes while Paige is sipping Starbucks crossing the line at an hour and 20 minutes. This just for fun, the way my dad always wanted it!

  Register as a “Team Member” with our team- Ferilen’s Fan’s: A Celebration Run. (PASSWORD 1211)

  Please let me know once you register so I can order our team Ferilen’s Indiana Hat!! He wore this for every race/triathlon/or walk in the park, what a perfect way to be bonded as a team! Thank you for joining with me. Let’s finish this race strong-like my dad finished his.

  

  Home - 22nd Annual Brea 8K Classic presented by the Brea Mall - Sunday, February 24, 2013

  www.brea8k.com

  Don't miss out on the Brea 8K Classic presented by the Brea Malla 2013 USATF SoCal Road Running Grand Prix Championship Series raceJoin us on Sunday, February 24, 2013!
• 

  Jan 13

  
  

Sizzle and Pop

We are coming back from our vacation today. Actually, I am writing this on a plane over Chicago. It was a fantastic trip and I am sure I will write several posts about it. I was planning to write while I was there. It seemed fun and exciting to post from the Virgin Islands, but I was too busy sipping mock-tails and battling it out in the bingo room. I also had the opportunity to re-read one of my favorite books. It's the book I would write if I wrote a book. I feel a mix of pride and jealousy that she put it on paper first. I wonder if you can write a sequel to another person's book. The book is Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist. She is honest and fabulous and wants to celebrate life like I do. 

I know this quote is so 2008 and very APU, but I love it. "I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift, who will use it up and wring it out and drag it around like a favorite sweater." 

I couldn't have said it better. I want to bring God joy as He watches me fully embrace the life I was given. Cruises and vacations provide a unique opportunity to do that. They take you out of the every day chores and errands and place you on an empty white beach with a book. You get to try vegetable pâté and have 5 desserts after every meal. You get to wear a bathing suit in January and ring in the new year with a balloon drop. You even get to go dancing with your two best friends and have breakfast delivered to your room because going down to get it seems too difficult. Every day can't be a cruise day. Some days, most days, you have to clean dishes and think about things like taxes and cavities, but even then there is the joy and thrill of life running through your veins. I pray I find joy, beauty, and adventure in my everyday house unpacking, teeth flossing, ice crushing life.

Wrapping Up Christmas

The boxes have been unwrapped. Glitter and ribbon cover the floor. The constant noise of Christmas music is fading. Even my pretty little tree is laying outside waiting to go to its new home. Christmas is ending. I am surprised to say- I am sad about it. The holiday season we wanted to do without. The one we wanted to skip over. It’s all done now and I already miss it. It wasn’t easy. It was painfully different. Everything felt wrong and misplaced. We tried to make it different on purpose; to control the things we could. Maybe then the loss and absence would be less obvious. However hard and painful it was, Christmas is still beautiful.

 

 

For the last two days, I have felt so sad about Christmas ending. I was thrown off by my sadness. Now, it's starting to come together. Christmas brings hope. The Christmas season, in all of its Hallelujah chorus and twinkling light glory, fully acknowledges the pain that comes along with all the fun. We are not alone in our grief. Everywhere we looked we saw hurting hearts. People needing love, needing grace, needing to be recognized. There is so much power in recognizing and acknowledging someone’s pain. In the midst of this painfully beautiful season, we have hope. There is a real reason to celebrate Christmas that isn’t affected by whether or not you get the stockings down. Not putting up all the decorations does not change our purpose. We rejoice because we have a Savior. This is not the end for us. Our joy is not circumstantial. We have seen the end of the story. We know who is victorious. He was wrapped in cloths and placed in a manger. He is the reason we celebrate. He is why we have hope. And He is the reason I can celebrate Christmas, even when it hurts. Oh, what a reason to celebrate!

 

Merry Christmas!

 

 

A Few of My Favorite Things...

It is December 20- one of my favorite days- simply because it means Christmas is really here. On the way to work “My Favorite Things” came on the radio. I started thinking ‘I really like girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes too!’ ‘I love brown paper packages tied up with strings!’ ‘I like door bells and sleigh bells and I’d probably like schnitzel with noodles!’ So, with a Christmas song in my heart and a spirit of gratitude I decided to make a list of a few of my favorite things…

1.     Passion Iced Tea. Specifically, passion iced tea full of ice in the sunshine on a patio.

2.     Singing. As much as I love singing, my voice is equally as awful. Thankfully, it runs in the family (Sorry Sis!) so our concerts in the car are painful ear piercing interesting.

3.     Laughing so hard I can’t breathe. Between Robby, Claire and my mom- this happens A LOT. And I am so thankful for that. Maybe I should be offended that it’s usually after my solo ?

4.     Ice. Obviously. Crushed, cubed, snow cone, shaved, flakes, chick-fil-a. Yes, please.  

5.     Playing the hashtag game with Robby and Claire. We would never publicly use hashtags #becauseidontknowhow, but they make me laugh and I wish I knew. #areweplayingthegamenow 

6.     The Hallelujah Chorus at the end of the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service. It is in the top moments of my year, every year. Only a few more days until I get to hear it. #KingofKings #enoughwiththehashtags

7.     Dresses. That’s all I would wear if I wasn’t so cold all the time, which brings me to… 

8.     When it looks cold outside but it’s actually warm. Is there a sweeter surprise? 

9.     Going on lunch/coffee dates with friends. I love one-on-one time and getting to really hear someone’s heart. 

10.  Realizing that this list could go on for pages. How blessed am I to have so many favorite things!

With everything going on in our lives, in the country, and across the world it can be so easy to carry a heavy heart, and sometimes that’s ok. Sometimes that is exactly where God would have us, but sometimes God uses the little, tiny, simple joys to remind us that He is good and there is beauty in the crazy, chaos of life.

 

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Today is my dad’s birthday. December 12. I am sure he is having his best celebration yet. We are left with memories of him and past birthdays celebrated, while it hurts, it is also sweet. My dad was a celebrator. He celebrated life. He celebrated people. He celebrated special moments. His unique, intuitive ability to cherish what was important to you was life giving. He brought life out of people. He valued you for the traits that make you who you are. He didn’t pretend to know everything about your interests and hobbies- that was for you to tell, but he wanted to hear all about it. He was thoughtful in his pursuit of people. Before Robby and I were even actually dating I had mentioned to my dad that Robby grew up playing soccer. By the time they met, my dad knew which CIF games Robby had won, where he had played in Orange County and even had the date he played at my high school to see if he could remember seeing the cheerleaders practice. In the few months since my dad has been in Heaven we had heard many heart melting stories of thoughtful ways my dad sought out friendship.

My dad’s life exhibited his firm belief that life should be embraced and celebrated. Pools were made for cannon balls, whale rides and handstands. Lakes were made for wakeboarding, wake surfing, and tubing. Songs were meant for singing, even if you don’t know the lyrics. Music was made for dancing, even if clapping is your best move. Oceans were made for swimming and families were made for treasuring. The truth is evident in the memories. My dad soaked in every ounce of his life. I encourage you, I even ask you, to celebrate today. To look at your life and the people in it as my dad would have- full of opportunities to be seized. ‘This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.’

Top Left: How I often remember him- ready to jump in the pool as soon as the burgers were on the grill. 

Top Right: With one of his favorite girls walking one of his favorite trails.

Bottom Left: His birthday last year. We surprised him with an ipad. He was s.h.o.c.k.e.d. 

Bottom Right: My dad as a young stud on the lake. 

*A side note- I believe at the bottom of the page you can subscribe, so you will get emails whenever I post.