“I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him.
And tell him all about the [wo]man that I became
And hope that it pleased him
There's so much I want to say
There's so much I want you to know”
These
lyrics by MercyMe have captured and broken my heart over the last several
months. They so beautifully describe the longing I have for my dad to see life
over the 10 months. I would write everything I want him to see and everything I
want him to know, but it would be long and painful. I want to tell him what
this year has looked like and how it has been filled with hard change. I want
him to know we bought a house and it’s right around the corner from his. I want
to tell him that I have a new job- that I love and that he would love for me. I
want him to know that we still go out to dinner, the four of us, 5-6 times a
week and laugh uncontrollably. I want him to hear the song Claire and I made up
and to watch Robby fix our house. I want him to see that my mom got a Brazilian
blowout and it looks amazing. I don’t need him to know how hard it’s been.
I know
that even when I have the chance to wrap my arms around his neck and tell him
that I’ve missed him and tell him all about the woman I became- that won’t be
what I do. That’s not my deepest desire. My heart’s longing is to thank him. My
greatest relief and peace is that he knows now and I know he knew during his
life. I know that he knew my love and gratitude. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t
tell him or probably more than 2 hours ever that I was mad at him. Even still, I
would spend my moments thanking him. Nearly every quiet second I had with my
dad in the hospital was spent whispering words of gratitude into his ear. That
is the message I wanted his sleeping heart to hear. That he did such a good job
and I am so grateful.
I sound
like a broken a record and I promise someday I will write something different,
but not today. Today, it is Father’s Day. I am not afraid of today. I ‘m not
dreading the first time I don’t get to celebrate my dad like that. For many
people today will be filled with golfing and barbeques and sports and I love
that. I love that collectively we acknowledge the undeniably enormous impact
and value a dad has. I love that we restructure one day a year for dads. Because
real dads, the really great dads, have a hard job. They have to be gentle protectors,
guiders, leaders, dessert sharers, teachers, spider killers, car fixers, forehead
kissers, class cake makers and car rally drivers. They have to be strong
providers and humble trailblazers. They certainly deserve to be celebrated.
While
it rips the air out of my lungs to realize what this Father’s Day looks for me,
I am renewed, comforted and excited for the day I can celebrate with him again.
Until then, I celebrate the dad he was. I thank God for the years I had. He did
such a good job and I am so grateful.
